Empty And Then Filled

Photo by Christin Hume

I’ve realized I have an addiction to instant gratification. If it doesn’t cook in three minutes, I don’t want it. If it doesn’t load in seconds, forget it. The world around me caters to this addiction too. My attention and my wallet have both suffered.

I love Starbucks. I usually order a white mocha. It's pretty great.

Though today I realized I wasn’t being served. I’ve been serving. They love my addiction to instant gratification. They get the green, I get the fast coffee. Suddenly the big green mermaid doesn’t seem so welcoming. She’s been getting my adoration and devotion for a long time and instead of being filled with her coffee and cake pops, I’ve been emptied.

It doesn’t seem like a big issue but that’s where we are fooling ourselves. That’s where I’ve fooled myself.

I don’t think five dollars here and five dollars there is a big deal. I don’t think five dollars here and five dollars there is a big deal. I don’t think five dollars here and five dollars there is a big deal.

Now it is. 

I’ve been dumping my dollars at the feet of a million little instant gratifications only to sit in the fetal position on my bedroom floor with snot on my face and tears in the carpet.

The cycle goes on.

I turn to a quick cup of coffee, online movie streaming, fast WiFi and even faster virtual responses from friends to make up for the hole in my chest. I’m going to those immediate sensations to keep myself from the emotional sugar crash that is inevitably going to happen.

It goes like this.

I spend money to get fast service to feel satisfied to be empty again to spend money to get fast service to feel satisfied to be empty again to spend money to get fast service to be satisfied to be empty again to be empty again to be empty. Again. And again.

It’s a cycle that doesn’t end.

Until I look up from my makeshift joy and take the hand of Jesus. I am filled when I serve Him. I am whole. Finally, an escape from myself. The waves calm. The hole is plugged. The tears dry.

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open your mouth and I will fill it.”

Psalm 81:10